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At the end of an interview with the chairman of a public company in China, I got a box of paper handicrafts. After taking a close friend's parents to dinner, I received a silk scarf. After meeting the son of family friends for brunch, I got a box of Beijing Olympic memorabilia.
How did I feel about getting all these "nice-to-meet-you" gifts in New York City? Awkward.
Gifts are a way to show affection and respect in most cultures. In the U.S., the end-of-year holiday season is the high time for gifts that say "I love you," and in the corporate world it's common to use small gifts with logos as marketing.
Li's editor seems somewhat baffled by this gift.
In China, giving gifts is part of everyday life. On Chinese television, many products -- from dietary supplements and moon cake (a festival dessert) to hard liquor -- are marketed as the perfect gift. That's because we need to bring gifts when we visit our parents, grandparents, relatives, teachers, bosses and colleagues. (By the way, we've imported Valentine's Day, Mother's Day and Father's Day, or at least the part about buying gifts.) It's considered rude to show up at somebody's door empty-handed -- especially the first time you visit.
Why? There are many reasons, but I like the explanation offered by a Chinese friend living in New York: Most Chinese aren't comfortable with displaying emotions in public or in written notes, so we use gifts to express these feelings. A gift is a way to tell the recipient who we are and show how much we respect or love them.
While it's very important to bring the "appropriate" gift, what makes a gift appropriate is tricky. And what's appropriate for Chinese can be confusing -- or even offensive -- in another culture.
Just ask Lois Olson, a business-school professor at San Diego State University who's been visiting and teaching in China since the early 1990s.
Dr. Olson has learned that hierarchy is ingrained in Chinese society, and very much reflected in the choice of gifts. When she went to teach a marketing class at a food-processing company, she brought with her four globes. The one for the boss, whom Dr. Olson describes as a "little dragon lady," was about six inches in diameter, while the other three were about two inches in diameter. The smaller globes were for the dragon lady's underlings.
Dr. Olson knew the boss had a reputation for having complete command of her employees, and felt that "if anybody is going to appreciate hierarchy, she would." But she admits that as an American, matching gifts to positions was hard to do -- it felt rude.
Now Dr. Olson always brings a selection of different gifts when she visits China, and tailors the gift to the person. If an executive has a giant desk in the office with a jumble of trophies on display, Dr. Olson will know that they're very status-conscious. She gives such people a paperweight that's "big and heavy and says, 'I'm important,' but is totally useless," she says. If the person doesn't seem as status-obsessed, she'll give them books or beautiful photos.
In China, hierarchy doesn't just apply to gift-giving. When Dr. Olson went to China with other faculty members, she was usually the only woman on the team, and she found her male colleagues were always treated better. "They got better seats on the mini-buses and they got better views," she says. And when it came to gifts, they received bottles of Chinese whiskey while she got a silk scarf.
I can see how a Chinese host would think a silk scarf would be more useful to a woman than a bottle of whiskey. But I can also see the American point of view, and the problem with singling a person out just because she's different than the others.
Many Chinese traveling abroad like to say "Nice to meet you" with gifts that are distinctively Chinese. Like every nation, we're proud of our culture and believe that we have the responsibility to help others better understand us.
Before I came to the U.S., my best friend dragged me to a handicrafts market in Beijing to shop for gifts that are distinctively Chinese. "You're going to a new country and you're going to meet new people," she said. "It will be nice to give them something very Chinese as present."
I bought 20 ornaments that can be hung from a car's rearview mirror or on a wall. Each has a long red tassel and a red wooden plate a little smaller than a Post-It note. On one side of the plate is a calligraphic Chinese character that says either Happiness, Fortune or Longevity. On the other side is the colorful head of a character from Peking opera.
Most of the 20 ornaments are still in a plastic bag somewhere in my apartment. When I first arrived in New York, I felt weird about giving anybody a gift -- nobody did that except on special occasions. The few ornaments I gave out went mostly to my friends, and then only because I knew they would appreciate them.
I was lucky that my friend in Beijing recommended cheap and light handicrafts. A friend of mine was part of a group of Chinese bankers who attended a conference in Dubai a few years ago. They decided that miniature Chinese-style rock gardens would impress Wall Street bankers and Middle Eastern princes they might meet, but they hadn't considered that they'd have to carry heavy rocks all the way from southern China to Dubai -- or that the recipients would have to carry them home. I wonder how many of those rocks made it all the way to Wall Street.
中文閱讀：
幾ji個ge月yue前qian，我wo在zai紐niu約yue的de辦ban公gong室shi裏li采cai訪fang一yi位wei國guo內nei來lai的de上shang市shi公gong司si董dong事shi長chang。采cai訪fang結jie束shu後hou送song到dao電dian梯ti口kou，他ta的de助zhu手shou從cong包bao裏li掏tao出chu一yi盒he剪jian紙zhi說shuo送song給gei我wo做zuo紀ji念nian。我wo推tui了le幾ji次ci，說shuo公gong司si規gui定ding不bu可ke以yi接jie受shou禮li物wu，他ta們men連lian說shuo這zhe個ge不bu值zhi錢qian，我wo隻zhi好hao收shou下xia。回hui來lai後hou給gei了le一yi位wei從cong我wo桌zhuo前qian走zou過guo的de同tong事shi。
我wo好hao朋peng友you的de父fu母mu來lai紐niu約yue探tan親qin，我wo請qing他ta們men吃chi飯fan，飯fan後hou非fei要yao塞sai給gei我wo一yi條tiao絲si巾jin。我wo請qing父fu母mu朋peng友you的de孩hai子zi吃chi飯fan，也ye不bu得de不bu收shou下xia一yi盒he奧ao運yun會hui紀ji念nian品pin。我wo辦ban公gong桌zhuo最zui下xia麵mian的de抽chou屜ti裏li還hai放fang著zhe幾ji條tiao絲si巾jin，都dou是shi國guo內nei來lai的de團tuan送song的de。並bing不bu是shi這zhe些xie禮li品pin不bu夠gou好hao－－樣樣都很精美，樣樣都代表著送禮人的心意。
zaizhongguosonglishiyimenxuewen，shenmerenshenmeqingkuangxiasongshenmelidouhenyoujiangjiu。zhelimianbujinjinshilidalixiaodewenti，gengduodeshiyizhongjingyihewenhou。qinyoujianzoudongyaosongli。yijiagongsidaolingyijiagongsichucibaifang，yechangchanghuilinzhelipinqu。henduorenzaisonglishanghenfeixinsi，renweisongdeliyuezhongbiaodadeqingyiyueshen，erqiehaihuigeibutongjibie、不同性別的人買不同的禮物。
suiranwomenchangshuoliduorenbuguai，danwozhelizhuyaoxiangjiangmeiguorenduisonglihejieshoulipindeyixieguanli，yimiandajiafeihenduoxinsi，huahendaliqinalelipinlaimeiguo，quebunengdadaoyuqidexiaoguo。
在美國第一次見麵就送人禮物是很少見的。用加州聖地亞哥州立大學商學院教授Lois Olson的話說，中國人送禮表達的意思更多的是“歡迎”和“很高興認識你”，而美國人送禮表達的意思更多的是“謝謝你”。
在(zai)公(gong)務(wu)交(jiao)往(wang)中(zhong)，很(hen)多(duo)美(mei)國(guo)公(gong)司(si)對(dui)接(jie)受(shou)禮(li)品(pin)的(de)價(jia)值(zhi)有(you)具(ju)體(ti)規(gui)定(ding)，送(song)不(bu)好(hao)容(rong)易(yi)導(dao)致(zhi)誤(wu)解(jie)或(huo)造(zao)成(cheng)尷(gan)尬(ga)場(chang)麵(mian)。除(chu)了(le)促(cu)銷(xiao)用(yong)的(de)原(yuan)珠(zhu)筆(bi)等(deng)小(xiao)禮(li)品(pin)外(wai)，我(wo)接(jie)觸(chu)的(de)美(mei)國(guo)公(gong)司(si)中(zhong)很(hen)少(shao)正(zheng)式(shi)送(song)禮(li)。即(ji)便(bian)送(song)，也(ye)常(chang)常(chang)是(shi)認(ren)識(shi)以(yi)後(hou)，在(zai)過(guo)聖(sheng)誕(dan)、新年時寄張賀卡，或事情辦完後寄一張感謝卡，非常特殊的情況下送一瓶酒，一束花或一個果藍。
很多公司（包括我報社）規定，員工可以接受的禮品價值上限是20到25美(mei)元(yuan)。少(shao)數(shu)公(gong)司(si)規(gui)定(ding)極(ji)其(qi)嚴(yan)格(ge)，例(li)如(ru)沃(wo)爾(er)瑪(ma)雇(gu)員(yuan)連(lian)客(ke)戶(hu)的(de)一(yi)杯(bei)咖(ka)啡(fei)都(dou)不(bu)能(neng)喝(he)。因(yin)為(wei)怕(pa)麻(ma)煩(fan)，我(wo)和(he)我(wo)的(de)一(yi)些(xie)同(tong)事(shi)索(suo)性(xing)對(dui)外(wai)說(shuo)禮(li)品(pin)一(yi)概(gai)都(dou)不(bu)能(neng)收(shou)。有(you)時(shi)候(hou)有(you)公(gong)司(si)寄(ji)來(lai)看(kan)起(qi)來(lai)比(bi)較(jiao)貴(gui)的(de)禮(li)物(wu)，我(wo)們(men)還(hai)要(yao)花(hua)錢(qian)花(hua)時(shi)間(jian)寄(ji)回(hui)去(qu)。不(bu)宜(yi)郵(you)寄(ji)的(de)禮(li)物(wu)還(hai)得(de)送(song)到(dao)慈(ci)善(shan)組(zu)織(zhi)捐(juan)掉(diao)。就(jiu)我(wo)個(ge)人(ren)而(er)言(yan)，對(dui)製(zhi)造(zao)了(le)這(zhe)麼(me)多(duo)麻(ma)煩(fan)的(de)禮(li)品(pin)能(neng)領(ling)的(de)情(qing)是(shi)非(fei)常(chang)有(you)限(xian)的(de)。
一yi些xie公gong司si對dui員yuan工gong送song出chu禮li品pin的de價jia值zhi也ye有you嚴yan格ge規gui定ding，以yi免mian招zhao惹re不bu必bi要yao的de麻ma煩fan。美mei國guo金jin融rong業ye自zi律lv組zu織zhi全quan國guo券quan商shang協xie會hui在zai一yi份fen四si頁ye紙zhi的de文wen件jian裏li規gui定ding，券quan商shang送song客ke戶hu的de禮li品pin價jia值zhi不bu能neng超chao過guo100美元。一位做公關的朋友在一位客戶生病住院期間送了一個75美元的果籃，結果還被自己公司的財務部門追問了一番。
這並不是說美國就不存在用美酒佳肴和豪華旅遊來拉關係的現象。隻要涉及錢、quandedifangjiuyoufashengzhezhongshiqingdekeneng。meizhousiwanshang，manhadungaojicanguanlizongshizuomanleyonggongsixinyongkaxiaofeidezhengquanyerenshihelvshi。henduogongsidouhuimairementiyubisaidebaoxiangyaoqingkehucanjia，yeyoudezaihenhaodelvyoudianjubankehuhuiyi，huopeizhongyaokehudaoyoumingdegaoerfuqiuchangdaqiu。danzhexiehuodonglinaxiesuan“過分”，哪些算“適度”，全國券商協會沒有象對禮品一樣有具體規定，隻是說此類活動隻要不是太經常或太鋪張就屬正常商務活動。
三年前金融界爆出的一大醜聞是，華爾街上的中型證券經紀公司Jefferies為招攬Fidelity基金公司的經紀生意，給一位職員一年150萬美元的客戶娛樂預算用來拉關係。這位老兄多次花幾萬美元租專用飛機把Fidelity交jiao易yi員yuan和he高gao管guan飛fei到dao世shi界jie各ge地di，招zhao待dai他ta們men幾ji百bai美mei元yuan一yi瓶ping的de酒jiu水shui，幾ji百bai美mei元yuan一yi張zhang的de網wang球qiu比bi賽sai和he音yin樂le會hui票piao。有you時shi一yi次ci活huo動dong就jiu花hua掉diao十shi幾ji萬wan美mei元yuan。全quan國guo券quan商shang協xie會hui後hou來lai對duiJefferies罰款550萬美元。
近幾年，美國政界和商界的曖昧關係也製造了不少醜聞。曾顯赫一時的共和黨說客Jack Abramoffqianliangnianlangchengruyu，zuimingzhiyijiushiyinmouhuiluguohuiyiyuan。tadaiyiyuanhezhushouqusugelandengdizhumingdegaoerfuqiuchangdaqiu，yaoqingtamendaozijikaidegaojicanguanmianfeijiucan，songtamengaojiliwudeng。weigaibianzhengjiexingxiang，guohuiliangyuanzuochuleyixiliexinguiding，liruyiyuanbunengjieshoushuokelipin，bunengyushuokeyiqijiucan（不用刀叉的冷餐，如用手和牙簽拿起來就能吃的餐前小吃，例外）等。
kaolvdaomeiguoqiyejiehezhengjieduilipindeyangeguiding，songlidejiazhibuyaotaigao，yimianchanshengwujie，huogeirenzaochengxinliyali。yisidaolejiuxingle，shenzhibusongkenenggenghao，yinweiduoshurendoushiyouzhiyejingshende，bingbuhuiyinweinisongbusonglieryoutaidushangdequbie。
送(song)禮(li)一(yi)定(ding)要(yao)講(jiang)平(ping)等(deng)。我(wo)不(bu)能(neng)說(shuo)美(mei)國(guo)社(she)會(hui)就(jiu)絕(jue)對(dui)平(ping)等(deng)，但(dan)他(ta)們(men)表(biao)麵(mian)上(shang)做(zuo)得(de)不(bu)錯(cuo)，至(zhi)少(shao)很(hen)多(duo)人(ren)說(shuo)話(hua)做(zuo)事(shi)時(shi)會(hui)比(bi)較(jiao)注(zhu)意(yi)平(ping)等(deng)待(dai)人(ren)。相(xiang)比(bi)較(jiao)而(er)言(yan)，中(zhong)國(guo)人(ren)等(deng)級(ji)觀(guan)念(nian)比(bi)較(jiao)強(qiang)，這(zhe)在(zai)送(song)禮(li)上(shang)也(ye)有(you)表(biao)現(xian)。我(wo)一(yi)位(wei)在(zai)紐(niu)約(yue)的(de)朋(peng)友(you)說(shuo)，一(yi)個(ge)中(zhong)國(guo)代(dai)表(biao)團(tuan)到(dao)她(ta)公(gong)司(si)參(can)觀(guan)，送(song)了(le)她(ta)和(he)她(ta)老(lao)板(ban)同(tong)樣(yang)的(de)禮(li)物(wu)，但(dan)老(lao)板(ban)的(de)比(bi)她(ta)的(de)大(da)很(hen)多(duo)，這(zhe)對(dui)一(yi)個(ge)從(cong)德(de)克(ke)薩(sa)斯(si)來(lai)的(de)女(nv)孩(hai)簡(jian)直(zhi)是(shi)不(bu)可(ke)思(si)議(yi)。
加州聖地亞哥州立大學商學院教授Lois Olson常chang去qu中zhong國guo講jiang課ke，她ta早zao已yi領ling悟wu了le中zhong國guo人ren送song禮li中zhong的de等deng級ji的de奧ao秘mi。她ta到dao一yi家jia食shi品pin公gong司si做zuo市shi場chang培pei訓xun時shi就jiu買mai了le四si個ge地di球qiu儀yi，一yi個ge大da的de給gei那na家jia公gong司si非fei常chang厲li害hai的de女nv老lao板ban，三san個ge小xiao的de給gei直zhi接jie打da交jiao道dao的de高gao管guan。女nv老lao板ban看kan她ta這zhe麼me識shi相xiang，笑xiao逐zhu顏yan開kai。但danOlson教授說：“做到這一點對我這個美國人來說是很難的，因為我知道這種作法很粗魯。”
她ta這zhe麼me說shuo是shi因yin為wei她ta自zi己ji就jiu碰peng到dao有you中zhong國guo公gong司si送song她ta的de男nan同tong事shi名ming酒jiu而er隻zhi送song她ta一yi人ren一yi條tiao絲si巾jin。我wo想xiang，這zhe家jia公gong司si可ke能neng是shi覺jiao得de絲si巾jin對dui女nv人ren更geng合he適shi，但dan在zai美mei國guo人ren看kan來lai，你ni就jiu是shi把ba她ta單dan獨du拎lin了le出chu來lai，沒mei有you平ping等deng對dui待dai。這zhe樣yang送song禮li的de結jie果guo還hai不bu如ru不bu送song。
ruguomeiguorensonglenidongxi，yaojidebiaoshiganxie。yiweipengyouzaiguoneiweiyijiameiguokejigongsigongzuoqijian，zengdaiyiweigaoguanbaifangliantong，yeruxiangsuisudisonglexiaolipin。guoleyiduanshijian，zheweigaoguanyihuodiwenpengyou：“為什麼聯通連個感謝的賀卡都沒有寄來呢？”
相關閱讀 文化視角：中西方商務餐差異
